Books on Friendship and Communication

From Plato to modern negotiation: five texts on getting along with others

This page transparently gathers the books and texts that serve as sources for Personaramic’s articles on relationships and social life, specifically those for the friendship, communication style, and conflict management quizzes. For each one we explain what it is (and what it isn’t), what idea it brings to the articles, the editorial team’s assessment, and who might enjoy reading it.

A general caveat before starting: none of these five texts is an empirical study. Three are philosophy or essays; two are practical manuals. The articles use them as a framework or as a counterpoint, and ground the description of each profile in academic models cited at the end.

Roger Fisher and William Ury, Getting to Yes

What it is. The Harvard Negotiation Project’s manual, published in 1981 by Fisher and Ury; Bruce Patton joined as co-author for the second edition (1991), which is the one the articles cite. It isn’t an empirical study but a widely used practical framework.

What it brings to the site. The distinction between positions and interests, the idea of insisting on objective criteria, and the portrait of the “soft” and the “hard” negotiator. It appears in four of the five results of the conflict management style quiz (accommodating, collaborating, competing, and compromising), always alongside the Thomas and Kilmann model, which is the one that defines the styles.

The editorial team’s assessment. Its merit isn’t novelty but clarity: short chapters, one idea per chapter, and examples that stick. It’s written for formal negotiations, so its ideas need to be carried over with care to a conversation between partners or friends.

Who it’s for. Anyone who wants a simple, practical method for specific disagreements rather than a theory of conflict.

C. S. Lewis, The Four Loves

What it is. A 1960 essay, not a scientific study, that distinguishes four forms of love: affection, friendship (philia), eros, and charity, the selfless love Lewis calls charity.

What it brings to the site. Its chapter on friendship is used in the profile of the loyal, steady friend, above all for one image: lovers stand face to face, absorbed in each other; friends stand side by side, absorbed in something they share.

The editorial team’s assessment. It’s the most demanding read on the list: dense prose, with theological digressions that at times pull away from the main thread. It makes up for it with a conceptual clarity that has aged very well.

Who it’s for. Anyone who enjoys the essay form and wants a vocabulary for thinking about affection, not instructions.

Ralph Waldo Emerson, “Friendship” (essay)

What it is. An 1841 essay, collected in Essays: First Series, on friendship as a relationship between equals who complete each other without merging.

What it brings to the site. A literary counterpoint in the profile of the confidant friend: where research on friendship describes functions (companionship, intimacy, support), Emerson describes from the inside what a sincere meeting between two people feels like.

The editorial team’s assessment. Nineteenth-century English that asks for attention, in exchange for lines that underline themselves. It can be read in an afternoon.

Who it’s for. Anyone looking for a short, reflective read, closer to literature than to psychology.

Plato, Lysis

What it is. The Socratic dialogue devoted entirely to friendship. Its central question is whether we bond with others because we’re alike or because we complement each other, and Socrates deliberately leaves it open.

What it brings to the site. It’s used in the profile of the adventurous friend, where that old question meets current research on novelty in relationships.

The editorial team’s assessment. It’s short, and its question-and-answer structure is easy to follow without prior knowledge of Greek philosophy. Its appeal is getting a look at the origin of a question social psychology is still studying with other tools.

Who it’s for. Anyone who wants a gentle way into classical philosophy.

Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler, Crucial Conversations

What it is. A 2002 communication manual written by corporate training consultants. The authors present it as the product of their work with organizations; it isn’t a book of peer-reviewed research.

What it brings to the site. The dichotomy between silence and violence as the two dysfunctional ways out of a difficult conversation, with subtypes such as masking or withdrawing. It’s used in the four results of the communication style quiz and in the profile of avoiding conflict, alongside Alberti and Emmons’s framework on assertiveness.

The editorial team’s assessment. Its greatest strength is how recognizable it feels: the framework helps identify the moment a tense conversation veers toward silence or toward attack. Like many business manuals, it gets repetitive around the middle.

Who it’s for. Anyone who wants concrete tools for difficult conversations at work or at home.

The academic works behind these books

The five texts above don’t define the styles the quizzes measure. That foundation comes from other works, which are cited in each article:

• Robert Alberti and Michael Emmons, Your Perfect Right (1970). The book that popularized assertiveness training. It described three forms of behavior (nonassertive, aggressive, and assertive); the passive-aggressive style is a later addition from other models. It’s the basis for the results of the communication style quiz.
• Kenneth Thomas and Ralph Kilmann (1974). Their instrument classifies conflict handling into five modes along two axes, assertiveness and cooperativeness, building on Blake and Mouton’s grid (1964). It’s the model that defines the five results of the conflict quiz.
• Robert Hays (1988). His chapter on friendship in the Handbook of Personal Relationships summarizes the classic research on what a friend provides (companionship, intimacy, affection, help) and serves as a reference for the series on friend types.

Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People (1936) also appears, in the profile of the organizer friend. We cite it for what it is: a popular classic on social interaction, with good intuitions about genuine interest in others, but no empirical basis of its own.

Sources

• Fisher, R. and Ury, W. (1981). Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In. Houghton Mifflin.
• Fisher, R., Ury, W. and Patton, B. (1991). Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In (2nd ed.). Penguin.
• Lewis, C. S. (1960). The Four Loves. Geoffrey Bles.
• Emerson, R. W. (1841). Friendship. In Essays: First Series.
• Plato. Lysis.
• Patterson, K., Grenny, J., McMillan, R. and Switzler, A. (2002). Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High. McGraw-Hill.
• Alberti, R. E. and Emmons, M. L. (1970). Your Perfect Right. Impact Publishers.
• Thomas, K. W. and Kilmann, R. H. (1974). Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument. Xicom.
• Blake, R. R. and Mouton, J. S. (1964). The Managerial Grid. Gulf Publishing.
• Hays, R. B. (1988). Friendship. In S. W. Duck (Ed.), Handbook of personal relationships. Wiley.
• Carnegie, D. (1936). How to Win Friends and Influence People. Simon & Schuster.