Psychologist John Gottman calls bids the small, almost always subtle attempts someone makes to get their partner's attention or closeness: a passing comment, a glance, a “look at this.” According to his research, how you respond to these everyday attempts predicts a relationship's health better than occasional grand gestures.
- Low: they often slip past you without your noticing.
- Moderate: you notice them sometimes, but not consistently.
- High: you usually notice and respond, even when you're busy with something else.
15 statements, taking about 3-4 minutes. Think about how you usually are with your partner day to day, not specific one-off moments.
All possible results
Low Recognition of Bids
Your partner's small attempts at connection tend to slip past you, without your noticing in the moment.
See the detail
“A bid almost never announces itself as such: it's a passing comment, a glance, a ‘look at this.’ Gottman found that missing these attempts, one after another, wears down a relationship more than an occasional argument.”
What this score means
Your answers suggest you're often absorbed in something else (a screen, a task, your own thoughts) when your partner sends out these small attempts at connection, which makes them hard to notice and respond to in the moment.
How it shows up day to day
- If you're on your phone, it's easy for a comment from your partner to slip by without your noticing.
- You find it hard to recall small details your partner mentioned in passing.
- You don't always read a silence or a gesture from your partner as a way of asking for closeness.
An important clarification
This result is informational and for general audiences, inspired by the concept of bids described by John Gottman (1999) based on his research in the “Love Lab”: it is not a diagnosis of your relationship and doesn't replace guidance from a qualified professional. Gottman insists this ability can be trained through conscious attention; it isn't a fixed trait.
Moderate Recognition of Bids
You notice some of your partner's attempts at connection, though not consistently day to day.
See the detail
“Nobody responds to a hundred percent of their partner's bids, and that's not what Gottman is asking for: what matters is the proportion, not perfection.”
What this score means
Your answers show that you notice and respond to several of these small attempts, though it's probably easier in some moments (when you're relaxed, without distractions) than others (in a rush, on your phone, tired).
How it shows up day to day
- You usually return the gesture when your partner reaches out, though not always at the exact moment.
- You recognize some silences or gestures as a way of asking for closeness, not all of them.
- You notice a missed attempt after it's already passed, and sometimes circle back to it.
An important clarification
This result is informational and for general audiences, inspired by the concept of bids described by John Gottman (1999) based on his research in the “Love Lab”: it is not a diagnosis of your relationship and doesn't replace guidance from a qualified professional.
High Recognition of Bids
You tend to notice your partner's small attempts at connection and respond to them, even when you're busy with something else.
See the detail
“Gottman found that couples with stronger relationships weren't distinguished by grand gestures, but by responding to most of these small, everyday attempts at connection.”
What this score means
Your answers show sustained attention to your partner's small gestures: a comment, a glance, a silence asking for closeness. You tend to set aside whatever you're doing, even briefly, to respond to that attempt before it passes.
How it shows up day to day
- You easily remember small details your partner has told you, even ones that didn't seem important.
- You actively look for that moment of reconnecting after a day apart.
- You notice when your partner needs attention, even when they don't ask for it directly.
An important clarification
This result is informational and for general audiences, inspired by the concept of bids described by John Gottman (1999) based on his research in the “Love Lab”: it is not a diagnosis of your relationship and doesn't replace guidance from a qualified professional.
Indicative result. It describes tendencies based on what you answered today, not a fixed trait or a closed label. It is not a diagnosis.
How this test was built
Measures how often you notice and respond to the bids (attempts at connection) your partner sends out day to day, based on the concept described by John Gottman.
This is not a clinical diagnosis of the relationship and doesn't replace couples therapy.
Unlike Chapman's model, the concept of bids comes from direct observation of couples in a lab, with long-term follow-up, which gives it stronger empirical support.
See the full methodology
What it measures
Measures how often you notice and respond to the bids (attempts at connection) your partner sends out day to day, based on the concept described by John Gottman.
What model it uses
Based on John Gottman's concept of bids for connection:
- Low bids: they often slip past you without your noticing.
- Moderate bids: you notice them sometimes, but not consistently.
- High bids: you usually notice and respond, even when you're busy with something else.
Where that model comes from
The term was popularized by John Gottman in 1999, based on systematic observation of real couples at the "Love Lab" at the University of Washington, with longitudinal tracking of the relationships.
How the result is calculated
Each of the 15 statements distributes points across the three levels (low, moderate, high) based on your degree of agreement. Points for each level are added up across the test, and the level that accumulates the most points determines your result.
What your result means
A high result indicates you tend to notice your partner's small attempts at connection and respond to them in the moment, even while doing something else.
What it does NOT mean
This is not a clinical diagnosis of the relationship and doesn't replace couples therapy. A low result doesn't mean you care less about your partner: it usually reflects a habit of attention, not lack of interest, and no level is better than another.
Limitations
Unlike Chapman's model, the concept of bids comes from direct observation of couples in a lab, with long-term follow-up, which gives it stronger empirical support. Even so, this test is an informational approximation of the concept, not a psychometrically validated clinical scale.
Academic references
- Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Crown.
- Driver, J. L., & Gottman, J. M. (2004). Daily marital interactions and positive affect during marital conflict among newlywed couples. Family Process, 43(3), 301-314.
Frequently asked questions
What is a "bid" in Gottman's theory?
An attempt, almost always small and subtle, through which someone seeks their partner's attention, affection, or connection: a comment, a glance, a gesture.
Why do these small gestures matter so much?
According to Gottman's research, the proportion of bids you respond to (versus ignore) predicts long-term relationship satisfaction better than the frequency of grand gestures, which are far less common day to day.
Does a low score mean I don't care about my partner?
Not necessarily. It's often about an attention habit (distraction, being rushed, tiredness) rather than a lack of interest, and Gottman describes this ability as something you can train consciously.
Is this quiz reliable?
It's an informational, general-audience approximation, not a validated clinical instrument. To work on the relationship at a deeper level, couples therapy with a qualified professional is the better route.
How long does the quiz take?
Between 3 and 4 minutes: 15 statements with five answer options each.
See all 6 questions
Is it free?
Yes, it's completely free: no sign-up or payment needed to take the test and see your result.
